Warning that this blog is a bit personal......But hey, I figured if someone out there is going through the same thing as me..than at least, they will be comforted they aren't alone...
A million thoughts are running in my head right now..And at this very moment..on a friday night, close friends are either out having fun, studying or busy with variety of things..I don't blame them.
I just want it to all go somewhere at least, rather than bottling up.
So here is my heart to heart, or i guess...my stream of consciousness, so don't mind the lack of grammar/punctuation or layout etc
I don't know where to start..
The condition of my grandma's health has been decaying so rapidly starting from the end of last year to this year...I didn't realise how fragile she was until recently.
And tonight, this massive surge of fear has overtook me as she was really anxious and brought up the topic of giving me all her jewellery and money that she has saved up for years...before her life comes to an end...welll...who likes the confrontation of death right?
I don't know how to explain this...
is there a anything...that sums up regret, sorrow, fear, sadness and guilt all in one word?
My grandma is one of the most selfless, strongest, persistent and resilient people in my life...
She was one of the eldest amongst her 12 siblings and was expected to fill in all the duties that her mum (my great grandma). My great grandma was always so occupied with breastfeeding and taking care of her younger siblings....my grandma didn't get to go school as the elder sibling..she had to stay home, to cook, clean and provide for the family ever since being a teenager...she was instantly programmed to be selfless..to do everything for others, rather than taking care of herself...
this reminds me of phil's blog from wong fu actually..it really resonates with me;
"This is something I feel is probably very common in my parent’s generation. They grew up in a time when they weren’t allowed to think of their own dreams, their dream was just to start a family and create a better life for their offspring. It was a selfless time because there weren’t the luxuries and freedoms that I and our generation grew up with (and somewhat takes for granted). Think about how “lost” and “troubled” we are in our teens and twenties. Our parents went through the same thoughts and emotions, on top of the world and cultural issues of the time, immigrating, starting a new life. We can’t even come close to comprehending what they endured."- https://wongfuphil.wordpress.com/2014/05/11/back-to-you/
Then..at the age of 17, she was arranged into a marriage, which she frankly did not enjoy nor was happy. And even til this very day, she still extremely regrets it. I won't go into any further specific details.
Despite the unhappy and unsatisfactory marriage, despite being treated poorly and unfairly, despite by living a life with so little...she still invested and poured her heart and soul into raising her four children...i remember she would always tell me stories about how she would chuck allnighters sowing suits for my uncles, auntie and dad...
All of that effort...went to a dead end, as three of her four children were killed even before their lives got the chance to actually begin. Of course, who would be able to comprehend how shattering that was for her? Even til this day, there's certain nights when she would try her best to not cry about it - she misses them so so much, it breaks my life how unfair it is for her..
And as she got to Australia - there was somewhat hope ..she was excited for a new beginning, not for her, but for her one and only son...but it did not turn out well as expected..and she witnessed her own son being broken by his marriage, seeing her own son resenting her even til today for the mistake she has made...
Then there was me...I didn't have my mum raising me...I am where I am today due to all the efforts of my grandparents. My grandma is basically like my mum, who knows me better than any other family member... She loves me so so so much...everywhere she goes..from shopping, visiting friends house, going to temple festivals..going overseas...she would always think...what would Linda want to eat? what should I take away for her? what would Linda want to play with? what would Linda want to wear? hmm..What is Linda doing right now? ...
Reflecting upon life...I miss my childhood years (kindy to year 5)...although I did not have many friends (which i hated during the time), I was so excited to go home and hug her, eat her delicious homemade food and play around with her. My after school nights and weekends were all spent with her - from eating food, visiting her friends house, playing cards for fun with her ..everything we did together. She was literally like my best friend...except for when she would get sticks to whip me for when I was in trouble haha...
To be honest.... I wasn't always as grateful for her unconditional love for me. There were times ..particularly the teenager years (years 7 to beginning of year 11)...where I took it for granted...where I did not care. These were the years where I was so caught up with friends, so caught up with social media, so caught up with everything online...I would just go straight to the computer every time I come home after school and gave her one-three word replies...
And fast forward to now, where I'm somewhat in between those two spectrums...where I'm so busy with uni, work, ministry/church stuff...
It just hit me...how fast time flies...where did all the time go?
My grandma has changed drastically...
she no longer wakes up at 6am in the morning to do her tai chi, to wake me up and make me awesome breakfast...
she no longer is able to walk to cabra to do grocery shopping in the matter of an hour...
she no longer can cook meals for me as often as before
and tonight, i've realised..she no longer is able to independently regulate her own medication dosages, she is no longer able to shower, walk straight or remember simple things...
she no longer is the carefree type of grandma that would go out, play asian gambling games with her friends for good laughs...she's savaging every note for our family...and just her telling me tonight.." when the day comes, you must keep this...", it just seriously breaks my heart...
How can one be so selfless, even when they know their time is somewhat limited?
How can one, as a granddaughter, feel worthy of their love or their provision when they felt like they have done so little?
Overall..how does one deal with this fear? as it will happen, inevitably..and we can't escape it.
And another tangent of thoughts crossed my mind...
I didn't even get to learn all her recipes
I didn't even get to go on a complete marathon with all her favourite asian dramas
and most importantly,
I didn't even get to tell her much about Jesus yet...
& How..there will be that one day...where she won't be there to hug me and have my favourite dish waiting for me anymore....
Although that time is still...uncertain...and no where near confirmed...it just scares me so much.
This week was honestly rough. There were so many hurdles...yet I'm thankful as God really showed me great life lessons...
- Whatever you pour your time into....you seriously can't take that time back... - seriously i feel guilty right now, just blogging rather than snuggling with her ...but i just really needed a good cry, and i don't want her to witness how I'm feeling. I need to manage my time more properly.
- Family...don't take them for granted. It saddens me and breaks my heart that many old people are abandoned at nursing homes...it disgusts me that there were times, thinking back..where I preferred going out with friends rather than spending time with my grandma who seriously did not have anyone. When I wasn't able to walk, wasn't able to feed myself, wasn't able to provide for myself..she never left me, she never forsaked me...she was always there.
And at least, for whatever the amount of time she has left.. I must try my best to do the same.
I'm actually thinking of vlogging as much as I can at home..to document as much memories as I can....But thats just a lingering thought......
But yeah, thats about it....
Thanks for reading.
Sorry if this post is too overwhelming...
Have a blessed night.
Linda.
